The Metamorphosis :: On Shaving My Head

I've gotten a lot of questions lately because of the changes that people have seen in me over the past year.  Some of the changes have been silent and birthed slowly yet others have been loud and screamed of bad-ass choices.  I wasn't looking for drama or controversy.  I promise.  :)

This year has been a year of sacred self discovery for me.  

A year of burning the rule book.

A year of finding Heather.

I haven't written here yet about my hair.  It's hard to find the right words to describe the journey of a woman shaving her head.  We all do it for different YET SIMILAR reasons.  I think I knew that it was coming.  I may not have voiced it but the pictures above (all taken in 2012) shows a woman in metamorphosis.

A woman, searching for something.  I found it in shaving my head.

One friend found healing when shaving hers, another found freedom and me?  I found myself.

 I saw ME.  I see ME.

The process started at this conference with Tara and Meli standing in my hotel room with a pair of cheap scissors.  I begged them to just chop it off.  They tried telling me that I should be shaving it instead of doing a pixie, but I didn't listen.  I wasn't ready.  I actually remember Tara saying, "You know whats going to happen, you are going to go home and realize you want to shave it."  She was right.

Some people think that I jump head first into things but the reality is, I tiptoe into them, testing out the waters.  (As the above photos show).

I needed to wait.

I needed for my husband to be the one to shave my head.

For those of you that don't know our background, our history, let me give you a tiny glimpse into it :

Long hair has always been his wish.  It's been what women are "supposed" to have.  The women in his life always had long hair.  I remember one of his sisters, her hair down close to knee length.  I've tried to keep it long.  I really have.

I've gone long, then short, then long.  Each time my hair was cut, I'd feel guilty because I feared that he would think I didn't care about his preferences.  It wasn't about him.  It was all just part of this process.  We are still working through the past voices in our heads of what is feminine and what is not.

For my husband to stand there with the clippers in his hands.
For me to watch in the giant mirror as he touched them to my head and hair fell to the ground.

It was healing.  It was freeing.  It was eye opening.

I have loved the process.  It's not been an easy one but each chapter of my self discovery has been worth it.  To finally see myself and feel content in who I am, its made the messy chapters turn to art.

It feels wonderful finally embracing who I am.  The girl that loves to write and paint and take pretty pictures.  It's who I've always been yet now, I SEE her.